Tuesday, April 15, 2014

If you plan to marry a hunter...

It was Palm Sunday morning, one of my favorite holiday seasons, 
when Mr. Hunter man decided we have to go hunting, for some reason. 
Apparently since we only had a month and a half left to kill a turkey
we needed to get out there bright and early and with much urgency. 
So we headed out to back country long before sunrise
I was glad the pickup cab was black so he couldn't see the hate in my eyes. 
See, I take the go-to-meetin' thing pretty seriously
and sometimes have to convince myself that hunting is for me. 
So as we bounced along a dirt road and got out to hike around, 
instead of lookin' for turkeys I pouted and stared at the ground. 
I'm not sure what I thought would happen, like Mr. Hunter would change his mind
but I was ready so that when he asked "What's wrong?" I'd snap back "Nothing! I'm fine!"
The audacity of me to think he'd ask, well that was silly in itself.
What happened next I can't forget I must say it wasn't stealth. 
We'd gone back to the pickup, it was about 7 am by this time,
we were gonna head up another mile or two just to see what we could find. 
Now that Chevy has some power, of course it's 4-wheel drive
So when we tried to make it through a big bank, the way we buried it was a big surprise! 
To keep this story about us would be haughty and I don't want you to think I'm proud
but I would like to suggest a few things to the single ladies in the crowd. 
It's easy to think a guy is dreamy, if he's the outdoorsy kind. 
They usually are real fit and that hiking leaves a nice shape on their behind. 
They're rough and tough and able to provide and they can even fight off mountain lions. 
But girls before you fall into that trap, here are a few things you should know, they're worth tryin'. 
You need to try out makeup and I'm not talkin' cover girl,
it's brown, green, grey and black and comes in a stick so you're the color of a squirrel. 
You need to learn how they act under pressure and how understanding they are
so before you make a commitment ask them to check the blinker fluid in your car. 
Then there's just a few things that you're going to have to get used to, 
when he says "be real quiet", and you're huntin', understand that just applies to you! 
He might say not to worry about packing snacks or an afternoon lunch, 
but he'll be a much happier guy if you have something ready for him to munch.
You should wear caps when he says to but then never put one on if he doesn't give you the word, 
and always remember to wear real camo, not that pink stuff unless you're huntin' flamingo birds. 
Now if you smile and giggle too much he'll think you're not taking hunting serious
but if your face is too strait he'll just thing you're furious
so you need to balance carefully the looks that  you allow. 
And when he takes you elk huntin' SHOOT IT even if it's a cow. 
The one you miss will always be a trophy, the one you kill will be just okay,
but when you DO get one killed you will have stolen his heart away. 
I know God made us differently and he did it for a reason, 
but girls before you get hitched - make sure you are fully committed to huntin' season!
Now you're probably wonderin' did we live through that Sunday? 
You bet we did we made it out to tell the story today. 
I even shot me a turkey just before we left state ground 
so that the next morning when he got up at 3 I stayed bed bound! 

-Trinity Lewis

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