Thursday, February 13, 2014

Dear IRS

Dear Internal Revenue Service,

Another year has come and gone since we last corresponded. I appreciate years like that. As my spouse and I shuffled through our 1099's and 475's and 324's, or whatever they are called, yesterday evening we began to think about our beloved President. I guess I don't like to think of him as MY President, I didn't even vote for the guy. Anyway, like the mighty emperor said "Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek."
Well IRS, I would like to change the way my tax season goes so here's what I've sent along today:
4 Snails. 2 male, 2 female. This way you can study their copulation. The Federal Government spent $880,000 for a study of a larger amount of snails so I figure if we do the math my Wyoming lake snails should be worth about $60,000.
I know that means my taxes are paid this year but I know how you like to take and understand your need to attack those with a right (in more ways than one) point of view. Thus I sent along some other bonuses (When you work for the IRS you are used to these kinds of extras!). I've included all of the Big Bird and Sesame Street VHS tapes I could collect. Shipping was pretty high but nothing compared to the $445 million the government dished out to see the big yellow guy on TV. These VHS tapes are from the late eighties and early nineties so you should be able to keep young people entertained at my expense for at least the next twenty years!
Finally, I included 2 rolls of stamps. They're like gold now you know!
Oh! On one last note, if the President has a "pen and paper" why is he still spending nearly $100,000 dollars per year on his chief calligrapher?
You can send your response to my PO box. If you don't have my address handy the NSA should be able to locate my house and office for your convenience (heck, they probably know the spot in my house where I stack my received mail!).
I guess this means we are all settled up for the next few years. I'll write again in 2017. Hopefully you'll have a new boss by then, maybe they will even be American!

Proud Patriot,
Trinity Lewis

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