With the most pivotal Presidential election of my lifetime (thus far) only 6 days away, it has become the norm to hear political analysts screaming about the “war on women” others worried about the color of voters and still more bring to attention Super Pacs and the amount of money that each political party can collect. I’m sad to say, on this Halloween day, that I’ve yet to see or hear any headlines screaming about the war on pumpkins, the racism towards innocent black cats and finally, the collection of dust.
Now, these topics may come as a surprise to you and that is what worries me! It is time that we get informed on topics concerning the emblems of this year’s Halloween.
We’ll first go to Perry Pumpkin, He’s the President of Pumpkin’s Against Persecution, or The PAP as they are better known. The PAP is headquartered in the Pumpkin capitol of the world- Morton, Illinois. Perry Pumpkin has grown very deep roots in this small Illinois town. He was planted and raised there and in his prime married the passion pumpkin of his life, Patty. They have 3 beautiful puerile pumpkins, and a gourd who has yet to show his seed certificate (The gourd really is a whole other story for a whole other time but this wouldn’t be political if there wasn’t at least a sprinkle of confusion.) Perry contacted me to report on the concern he had for this Halloween season “We’ve spent so many years trying to appear dysfunctional and wrinkly so that we won’t have a jack-o-lantern fate like so many others who have gone before us.” Perry continued “With food prices at a record high, the insensitive slaughtering of perfectly propitious pumpkins is becoming preposterous! We fear that our beautiful children may become lanterns and that older pumpkins, like Patty and I, will become someone’s pumpkin-flavored dessert.” President Perry went on with more gruesome details but we sifted them through quality control to better fit our audience. I would like you to consider The PAP’s message and ask yourself this question “Is your pie or Halloween décor really worth their lives?” I guess that is something you’ll have to meditate and reflect upon.
Our next guest is a young cat named Calisto. Calisto is an average middle-cat-class cat. He grew up in an alley dumpster but through community organizations and numerous animal shelters, Calisto has risen to idol-like status in his metropolitan city. Calisto has painted signs and organized protests to express his concerns about the so called “cat color cynicism” that has become so popular, especially during the fall. In his recently polished dialect, Calisto explained “No cat should be thought of as dangerous just because of the color of their coat. I have a Buccal cavity, spleen and diaphragm just like every other cat! So my owner wears a pointy hat and all black to match me…SO WHAT? I’ve seen little girls dressed to match their Devon Rex.” The poor cat was so angry I thought he might become blue in the face, but then I realized his face color probably wouldn’t change and that was the underlying problem in the first place! So I gave him some kitty love and let him know that I’d get his message out to the public.
Most of us don’t even realize that brooms are victims in our culture. They are the butt of many witch jokes, people dread using them and they are left bristle end down all too often causing them to splay with discomfort. Many times their only friend is a dust pan that doesn’t even match their handle. Irresponsible broom owners who have splayed their broom bristles think that it is the broom’s fault that it can no longer collect as much dirt and dust as usual. Some of you may not know this but brooms are so shy that they have a way of whisking away before a complete conversation can be had. I wouldn’t want their life, most brooms don’t have a lot to look forward to. Their life dream is to be purchased by a custodian. They know that their work will be cut out for them, but at least a custodian’s broom closet is full of similar companions. Please join me in remembering the importance of our brooms this Halloween.
I know that everyone tend to tie to political policies that speak directly to them. I am usually interested in laws regarding agriculture and hunting. Others keep a close eye on equal rights. But today of all days let’s remember to look farther and consider every issue this election season.